Mafiascum.net

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 1:55 pm**

6. Spider-Man: The Dragon's Challenge (1979)

So, Spider-Man was made into such a terrible tv series that it was canceled and most of their episodes were edited together into some bad tv movies. This was the third one (and released theatrically in Europe). It's really terrible. Bad acting, bad writing, really cheap effects (oh wow, the 'webbing' is just string), and bad cinematography. It's just so dull and boring to watch in too many long stretches. Only reason to watch it is to appreciate how far things have come in the super hero genre. And wait, is that Ted Danson in a tiny role? Weird.

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 2:03 pm**

7. Beaks: The Movie (1987) (Rifftrax commentary)

Presented in Italy as a sequel to Hitchcock's "The Birds", the Mexican movie is pretty much just a straight rip-off. The plot is basically "birds attack people. Repeat". There is an impressive number of slow-motion birds being thrown in people's faces but after a while it just it stops being shocking or scary or whatever it's supposed to be and your mind just wanders into feeling bad for the birds and the actors and everyone involved. The Rifftrax commentary makes the whole thing fun though.

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 4:16 pm**

8. Free Guy (2021)

I liked what it was going for and I like the use of video game language in cinema, but this felt really dumbed down. Plus, there's something just very wrong with the movie, like it was something else that got editing and changed. Or maybe I just don't buy that the entire world is united in cheering on a video game character who "does good".

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 4:34 pm**

9. H.G. Wells' The War of the Worlds (1996)

No, this isn't the Spielberg one with Tom Cruise. No, this is the Asylum version. One of the first "mockbusters" (I like that as the genre name) where they make a similar movie to something big in theaters to try to trick people into accidentally buying it. This stars C. Thomas Howell in the modern re-telling of the public domain story. It's hokey and bad and Jake Busey really doesn't have his dad's goofy intensity.

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 4:35 pm**

I like him in Starship Troopers.

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 4:40 pm**

I've updated the scores in the opening post. I think my math is right, but I'm also pretty tired so mistakes are possible.

For those that listed TV series, I did some checking on run-times to figure out the scores..

@Haschel Cedricson-
Only Murders In the Building = 315 min (3 points, 75 min carry-over. So you're about 5 min shy of a 4th point. This means if you watch a 5 minute short, you can score another point.

@Malkon05 -
NCIS 8eps at 44 min = 352 min (4 points, 32 min carry over)
American Dad! 22 eps at 21 min each = 462min (5 points, 62 min carry over)
Carry-overs - 32min + 62 min = 94 min (1 point, 14 mins still carrying over)

@Nero Cain -
South Park specials = 95 min (1 point, 15 min carry over)

@VastaNeurotic - Monument Mythos S2 = 105 min (1 point, 25 min carry over)
(I used a Youtube Playlist called ("Monument Mythos Season 2") that had 9 videos of varying lengths. I hope that's right. I don't know much about this series but it looks fascinating. )

@T3 - Lost in Space 2eps = 109 min (1 point, 29 min carry over)

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 4:43 pm**

In post 79, Ythan wrote:I like him in Starship Troopers.

Oh yeah, he's decent in most stuff I've seen him. But he has going for "unhinged low-ranking soldier declaring himself a general in the breakdown of order" but didn't really have the presence or gravitas to pull it off as Gary Busey would. He just wasn't intimidating.

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 4:55 pm**

Cool thanks!

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 6:16 pm**

In post 80, Kublai Khan wrote:@Nero Cain -
South Park specials = 95 min (1 point, 15 min carry over)

It was Pork not me that watched South Park but his 2 score is still correct

gonna stay true to the theme and watch only movies

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 7:24 pm**

Good looking out Nero thanks.

I watched the Reno 911 movie about qanon. I like Reno 911, big fan of the state. Didn’t laugh once for some reason.

Posted: **Thu Jan 06, 2022 9:37 pm**

6) The Dolphin: Story of a Dreamer(2009)
Fuck, is that actually what it's called? God, I hate everything. So, I was forced to watch this movie a long time ago, and I made the mistake of watching it without alcohol. I have not repeated this mistake this time. When we talked about what terrible movies to inflict upon other people including my sister, this was brought up and I said that unless someone bought me booze for it, I would not be doing it again. Alas, the wine showed up yesterday, so I was now obligated to watch this disaster fever dream. This is by and far the worst movie I've seen, and I genuinely can't describe why it's so bad, but it is, and you should not watch this movie sober. Sadly 20 minutes in, I was entirely out of the bottle of wine I set aside for this film and too tipsy to try to open another to survive the rest of this film. And as it went on, I got less and less tipsy and that was also a mistake and I had forgotten how bad it was. I have terrible friends and if you want to be a terrible friend, make people watch this movie. There's a scene that goes on for 10 minutes where one small dolphin talks about how important his farts are and how they belong only to him, there is not enough booze in the world to do that twice so I have several regrets. No stars.

Posted: **Fri Jan 07, 2022 3:55 am**

5) The Dolphin: Story of a Dreamer (2009)

Daniel Alexander Dolphin (D.A.D for short) is a dreamer, much like this is the movie of my dreams. It has everything you could possibly want, an ensemble of colorful characters, not one but TWO villain redemption arcs, one of the best needle drops in film history and a scathing critique of modern capitalistic culture. D.A.D will inspire a new generation of viewers to follow their dreams. You may ask if you want to try it out, but I think this is a answered by a quote from the manta "I also want to taste some". I love you D.A.D. 11/10

Posted: **Fri Jan 07, 2022 4:15 am**

On a more serious note, Kublai, if you are just going to do runtime calculations for people rather than taking what they give, you may as well just be like "40 minutes of movies is a point". I'm happy to find runtimes for my stuff btw, like it's a google away and I usually check the runtime anyway. Though I get how that can end up being way too much work for you for people who don't give runtimes.

Posted: **Fri Jan 07, 2022 8:57 am**

Idk, I think it's awfully nice of KK to calculate points based on runtime given so many things aren't consistent lengths. But also, I'm only listing movies so nobody has to do extra work

Posted: **Fri Jan 07, 2022 6:52 pm**

movies are about an hour and a half long but an hour+ is likely a pretty decent time frame to call it a "movie." doccies might be a bit shorter and doccy series on tv/youtube are like 40 mins. I wouldn't really count tv-shows...I mean maybe you could argue that a canceled/completed tv show that has an ending that brings its storyline (mostly? plot holes and cliffhangers are ok.) to an end is just like a really long movie. I mean one could certainly argue that short-form media is a short movie in its own right: a 45-minute episode of law and order completes its storyline when the bad guy or girl is caught and sentenced to jail. or when Bender is rescued from Robot Hell. There's a lot of subjectivity here. The easiest thing would be if we just all watched movies/documentaries but this is just for fun and not competitive besides none of us are going to beat Malk anyways.

My suggestion might be something like

1 hour 20 minute-1 1/2 hour movie=2 points but if you want to watch something like Matrjoschka it still counts for 2.
3 episodes of 40ish min show/video=2 points making each episode worth .6
6 episodes of a 20ish min show/video=2 point making each episode worth .3

and I just kinda wanted to give my opinion but lets all just have fun with it and not get caught up in scoring or anything. I myself here am here to show off my great taste in movies and learn about other movies I have not watched/heard of.

Posted: **Fri Jan 07, 2022 10:19 pm**

7) Encanto(2021)

I was well aware going in that this movie was going to call me out and take my heart out of my chest and stomp it into the ground, and it did, and I loved it. I only sobbed like 8 times, it's fine. It just has a lot of very specific feelings I definitely feel in my bones and I appreciate them being put to music and visuals. The songs aren't quite as catchy and memorable as other recent Disney movies, but I'm okay with that. They still had an emotional impact for me and that's all I'm looking for from songs.

Posted: **Fri Jan 07, 2022 10:30 pm**

17) Designated Survivor, Season 1 (21 episodes)

This deserves a longer review and analysis; there is a lot to like but also some problematic elements that deserve to be explored in depth. At times the plot gets ridiculous but never to the extent that Scandal did. Honestly I was afraid it was going to be West Wing Meets 24 and it hasn’t gotten there yet.

Posted: **Sat Jan 08, 2022 3:10 pm**

2. The King of Comedy (1982)

Spoiler:

Posted: **Sat Jan 08, 2022 8:11 pm**

3. Taxi Driver (1976)

Spoiler:

Posted: **Sat Jan 08, 2022 8:33 pm**

4. Sopranos Season 1: Ep 1 & 2 (1999)

Spoiler:

Posted: **Sat Jan 08, 2022 9:02 pm**

8) Sharp Objects Episode 1 + 2(2018)
Since it's a limited series which is more like a very extended movie, I'm allowing myself to count this. I started this a while back but I hadn't fully finished the second episode. I remember when I started it then, I thought the pace was a little slow and odd and that's kinda why I stopped. But now, I'm okay with it since I know it's only got so many episodes anyways. Amy Adams does a real good job at giving you this very broken character who may be trying her best, it's unclear. Really all of the acting is very good, and it's got a lot of tension all underneath it and you're not quite sure where this is going to go in the end. There's a lot of backstory we're getting in flashes now and again. I don't know if I'd say it's good? But given it's based on a book by Gillian Flynn, it's definitely real good on tension and character building. Will definitely keep doing more of this through the next day or so since it's only 8 episodes.

Posted: **Sat Jan 08, 2022 10:11 pm**

12) Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

So like in a hotel room there is very little to watch and this was on so I watched the whole thing because why not. If anyone has not actually seen this movie I’ll do a review but like…I’ve already seen this before…and I’m sure most of you have too. Soooooooooo

3.9/5

Posted: **Sun Jan 09, 2022 9:31 am**

I watched maf max fury road. Amazing what you can do with a couple hundred million dollars.

Posted: **Sun Jan 09, 2022 9:48 am**

Oo, I may add that to my rewatch list.

Posted: **Sun Jan 09, 2022 4:39 pm**

13) Till Death (2021)

My review has spoilers, read at your own risk:

A very short, yet interesting psychological thriller starring Megan Fox on Netflix. Most Netflix horror movies are quite lacking in my experience. I'm usually missing oh I don't know, compelling characters, a villain that makes any sense, a coherent plot, or really anything that I remember about the movie except some sort of weird trope or message that I'm supposed to suffocate on. One exception was Hush but that was in 2016. So it's been awhile since any netflix horror movie really blew me out of the water.

Was this any different?

Kind of.

So like this movie had almost everything it needed to be a cult classic. It had a feuding couple, it had almost home alone esque style robbers, it had affairs, it had a remote place in the middle of nowhere, and it had an actual gripping plot. Plus it had Megan Fox, who was VERY convincing in her role. However it's not perfect. Lets go over the pros and cons:

Pro:

-Megan Fox
-Feuding Couple
-Home Alone esque style robbers
-Affairs
-An Actual Gripping Plot
-A remote place in the middle of nowhere

Con:

-The world's most unbelievable petty husband
-An affair guy who is so dumb he leaves his phone in his car and where the fuck did his keys go?
-A really boring introduction
-Hypothermia? I don't know her.

So all in all this was good but I have issues with this movie. I don't understand how Megan Fox was able to drive so perfectly on a flat tire, I don't know how Bobby the bad guy (literally his name) didn't sustain internal injuries after like 5 or 6 different giant blows to the head and falling through a roof onto a floor. Like I get doing a movie for the sake of doing something entertaining, and if I really just ignore all of the glaring problems, this is a SOLID thriller. There's so much to this movie, but the basic concept is a woman who is having an affair on her weirdo husband (honestly why don't people just get divorces in these movies), and then on their anniversary night where she is very clearly NOT FEELING IT (I probably wouldn't either because the guy's gift to her is one of the most "I'm about to die" gifts I've ever seen someone give in a movie), she gets dragged out to their old lake home as a surprise. It's kind of sexy and hot and she's even laughing at one point, and it seems like they are trying to fix the marriage (except it's super obvious something is off about all of this). So they do it, and the next morning Megan wakes up and her husband is being weird like normal except at the end he fucking blows his brains out. She goes to try to get away because she's in shock but because he's a weird he's handcuffed her prior to him so that she has to now drag him around the entire remote house in order to like find a series of things, almost saw esque.

First she finds her wedding dress which is above some weird safe that she's clearly confused by, but she has bigger issues than worrying about some weird safe. She uses the dress to drag him around as she visits the places of the house including a creepy photo developing room, a shed with a car that has had all the gas siphoned out of it and only enough power to play a CD that says the guy is impressed but wants them both to die because he saw their marriage failing and didn't want it to end. It's the ultimate petty trip and Megan even calls out his hyprocrisy as it's clear she's had to clean up clothes that would indicate the guy (a district attorney) has had his share of indiscretions. So it was never about getting even, it was making sure she wasn't happy with anyone else and was almost a trophy for him, which makes sense given the rest of the things in the movie so far. She was a star survivor in a case and he sort of obsessed about her.

Anyways after awhile the affair guy shows up (the subordinate of her husband) and asks why she called him out here and why she's chained to her dead husband and that it's going to look like she killed him, to which she smartly says "I don't care we need to call the cops and get out of here" and like a dumbass law guy who has suddenly turned stupid he goes "Oh I forgot my phone in my car". (she can't call because the petty dead husband put her phone in a vase full of water). Like what self respecting smart law dude forgets a phone in a car when they go to a strange place in the middle of nowhere? My first and only thought given the circumstances would be to keep my phone on me. Like, I've sometimes left my phone in my car like if I'm out shopping for clothes or some shit that's normal. This is so far from normal.

So anyways the dead husband is so petty that somehow he impersonated his wife, called the affair guy out here, because what happens next? Two robbers, one of which is the guy who attempted to kill Megan Fox's character, named Bobby which made me snort, show up to like...open the safe that the dead husband had installed.

So let's review the levels of petty this dead husband, who, let me remind you, is a former district attorney, has put Megan Fox through:

1. Set up photos in a weird dark room to give her PTSD from her attack.
2. Used their anniversary night to seduce her into sex and then killed himself in front of her as if she didn't have enough trauma in her life.
3. Called her out for an affair rather than idk get a divorce, when he himself has clearly had multiple affairs.
4. Given her a gun with no bullets in it, just enough for him to kill himself so she has to put herself through gruelling torture to get out of a place that he has no intention of letting her get out of.
5. Cut the phone lines and left the front door open to isolate her.
6. Put her cell phone in water.
7. Called her affair dude out here.
8. Called the dude who stabbed her out here.
9. Given her the worst anniversary gift of all time which is some weird necklace that he fastened around her neck that looks nothing like a normal necklace and would have immediately made me call the cops.

In any case, so the robbers show up and stab the affair dude to death. Because why not, we can do this home alone for adults style. Meanwhile Megan fox manages to drag her dead husband's corpse out to the frozen lake house, which luckily is frozen over because it allows her to go around back which she normally wouldn't be able to do.

Oh did I not mention this whole movie takes place in some weird snowy lake house that's clearly at the peak of winter? Because it does. Anyways back to the synopsis.

So Megan uses the anchor on the boat to cut her dead husband hand enough to slide the cuffs off and then...somehow cuts her wedding dress enough to make makeshift shoes...oh right...

Petty List:
10. Her husband has taken her shoes away somehow so she's had to walk barefoot through this entire ordeal.

Anyways she makes shoes and hides from the guys for a bit, but eventually they start to close in on her. At one point she is lying under a car and one of the guys is stabbing out the tires because he doesn't want her escaping from the place (not realizing she is under the car) and has to like...007 style sneak out and back into the house. After a few close calls, she hides in the attic and lures Bobby smacking him with a golf club and he falls through the floor and is knocked unconscious. She uses this to lure the other guy and knock him into a room and removing the handle. However, somehow Bobby is fine! He and the other dude eventually catches up with her and despite some pretty incredible moments from Megan even she is human. She and her dead husband are once again handcuffed together thanks to Bobby and he says that she knows the combo to the safe as I believe the date of their wedding or first date or something. She gives it to him after his lackey uncuffs her and he opens it to find...

Petty List:
11. Dead Husband put Megan through all of this, assumed somehow she'd still be alive, and then left an engraved saw in a safe that the robbers could use to cut her head off to get the necklace around her neck which is filled with diamonds (and seems to be unbreakable with normal objects and somehow ridiculously impossible to unlatch...it makes more sense to watch this weird saw esque necklace than for me to describe it)...this is some next level petty that even if I believe the guy could think through everything, this just feels excessive. Like what if she'd fallen in the lake at some point, or what if the affair guy smartly brought a gun with him and shot the robbers? I just think there are so many things wrong with this.

Anyways, so the lackey tries to stop Bobby from killing her, but he impales the guy on...a random hook on the wall...I don't even know what this hook was for? This house is weird.

So then Bobby and Megan have a giant chase, but she's cuffed his hand to the dead guy and he's stabbed her leg. So she's hobbling around the house and Bobby is chasing her with a dead guy attached to his wrist. The whole thing is really funny and I laughed. Anyways the chase has a conclusion that is equal parts confusing and equal parts satisfying (involving cars that can run with flat tires, a weirdly specific frozen lake, a lack of hypothermia, and one of the most satisfying stabs in all of television history). I'll let you watch to see the true build up and conclusion so I don't ruin the magic for you because there's actually quite a bit I left out...which is weird.

This plot I think has more pros than cons and overall, I enjoyed it! I think that's the real point of this anyways and I'm glad I can take it out of my netflix queue finally. 3.8/5 I would recommend, but just try to not take everything too seriously because there are some parts of this movie that are so unbelievably out of logic and wild I just can't even with that right now.

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[CASUAL] January Movie Challenge