Author Mafia - Game Over!

[Tierce]

Besides, he would have alt-slipped within the first 10 posts.

[zoraster]

also, can you imagine Faraday keeping a secret alt?

[Untrod Tripod]

We had four people watching the thread and fixing altslips and somestill got through. Seriously there was like 70

[quadz08]

^

[AurorusVox]

I'm kinda sad James Joyce wasn't Faraday :'(

Couldn't be--Faraday was the back-up mod.

[DrippingGoofball]

On the plus side, it's fun playing an alted game!

[xRECKONERx]

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAYBREAK

Sweat rolls down the forehead of the remaining combatants. Shaft, Pynchon, Eliot, Poe, Paper, Wilde, Danielewski, Rucks. And Charlie.

EDGAR ALLAN POE

Let our fallen friends not die in waste!

He motions to the corner, where a massive pile of corpses are stacked in the corner.

SHAFT

We really should just buuuuurn those muthafuckas.

MARK Z DANIELEWSKI

The burning of human flesh produces a revolting aroma.

SPINNING PAPER

Breaking News: Eliot is scum.

All eyes shoot towards Eliot, who stutters a bit before being cut off.

THOMAS PYNCHON

And how would you deduce such a thing?

SPINNING PAPER

God Is Dead, But Eliot Isn't Nietzsche

OSCAR WILDE

I do believe he may be right.

A mob begins moving towards the poor gentleman in the corner, who begins to slink back against the wall.

TS ELIOT

This man is clearly insane! I would never--

The crowd descends upon him. For a moment, he isn't visible. When he reappears again, he is being held down to the ground by a group of four: Paper, Pynchon, Danielewski, and Kaufman. Eliot, trembling, looks up at Edgar Allen Poe standing before him, brandishing an axe in his hands. Poe narrows his eyes down at Eliot, and takes a deep breath.

EDGAR ALLAN POE

The boundaries which divide Life from Death are at best shadowy and vague. Who shall sasy where the one ends, and where the other begins?

For a moment, Poe almost lets a smile sneak through, before gleefully slamming the axe into the skull of TS Eliot. Blood splatters on the four men holding him down. Then there is silence.

CUT TO:

INT. PAULA'S OFFICE - DAY

Paula thumbs through the last few pages of Charlie's screenplay. He sits on the couch across from her desk, hunched forward, legs bouncing and thumbs spinning. She turns to the last page, only to find it blank.

PAULA GARNER

Where's the ending? TS Eliot dies...so...what!? Is he a villain?

Charlie snaps to attention.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Oh, right! Here.

He reaches inside his briefcase and hands over a short stack of papers to Paula. The missing pages.

INT. WAREHOUSE - MORNING

Sun beams through the dusty windows, illuminating only a bit of the dirty warehouse. Blood pools under the body of TS Eliot. The remaining group looks around hesitantly, waiting for some kind of sign. Then, the ECHOED SOUNDS OF APPLAUSE ring throughout the warehouse, seemingly omnipresent. HP Lovecraft finally emerges from the shadows wearing a grin and still applauding.

HP LOVECRAFT

Bravo, gentlemen! Bravo! I knew if I put some of the world's greatest minds in the same room together, you'd all figure it out in the end! Pity we had to lose some dear souls...

Charlie Kaufman, face still spattered with blood, stands up and drops the lifeless body of TS Eliot on the floor.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

You... YOU! YOU did all of this!? As some kind of

game

!?

HP LOVECRAFT

(shocked)

But...of course, Mr. Kaufman. Did you not?

Kaufman's eyes grow wide and he begins to breathe heavier. He motions to the pile of corpses behind him.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

NO, I did not take this as a game. I don't think of it as

fun

to kill and murder other people. I don't think it's a good time to put human lives at stake

all for your fucking pleasure

!

HP LOVECRAFT

Well, I suppose we will agree to disagree, then.

Charlie pauses. Then, he snaps backwards, marching over to Poe. He grabs the axe and begins to march back towards Lovecraft, with the metal end of the axe dragging along the concrete floor all the while.

HP LOVECRAFT

Mr. Kaufman, there is no need for such hostilities, the game is over.

Charlie lifts the axe into the air and bursts into a sprint. HP Lovecraft takes a few steps backwards and holds up his hands, but Charlie ignores it and swings the axe across, catching him in the neck. The axe sinks part of the way into his next as a fountain of blood pours down the front of Lovecraft's suit. Charlie stares for a moment at the wide-eyed face of Lovecraft as the life slowly drains out of him.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Oh...you know, you're RIGHT! Taking human lives

is a ton of fun

!

Charlie dislodges the axe from Lovecraft's neck, which now hangs halfway to the side. The corpse of Lovecraft falls to its knees. Charlie swings again, catching the head and dislodging it.

TEXT APPEARS:

DIARY ENTRY 24

The madness consumes me.

VOTECOUNT

HP Lovecraft - ∞ (Kaufman∞ Kaufman∞ Kaufman∞ Kaufman∞)

HP Lovecraft,

Demonic Overlord

, had his head severed from his body post-game

Even though Lovecraft is dead, Charlie keeps swinging at various parts of his body, blood spurting in the air and covering Charlie's face. He begins to laugh gleefully, swinging the axe like a maniac and cackling in the air while the others watch in horror. He swings and swings and swings and swings and then Paula is dead.

INT. PAULA'S OFFICE - DAY

Paula, mouth agape, shoots her eyes up at Charlie.

PAULA GARNER

...Charlie? What's the meaning of th--

She is cut short when Charlie dives across the desk, stabbing a knife into her throat. She gurgles blood for a moment while Charlie's face is once again covered in blood. He begins to laugh gleefully as he plunges the knife into her body over and over again.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Bottom dollar isn't so important now, is it, bitch!?

He cackles into the air and lets out a scream as blood continues to spatter on his face. SLOW PAN OUT from the office as Charlie sits straddles over Paula's lifeless corpse, arched backwards, laughing towards the sky. CREDITS ROLL.

INT. CHARLIE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

Charlie types on the computer:

"He cackles into the air and lets out a scream as blood continues to spatter on his face. SLOW PAN OUT from the office as Charlie sits straddles over Paula's lifeless corpse, arched backwards, laughing towards the sky. CREDITS ROLL."

The cursor blinks on the screen. Charlie blinks in the chair. He scans the page a few times, reading it over and over again. He sighs and closes his eyes for only a moment, then grabs the telephone and dials a number.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Paula? Hey, it's me. Charlie. I know. I'm sorry, it's late, I just...I finished the screenplay. Yes. Yes okay, 10:00. See you. Sorry again. Bye.

He hangs up the phone and looks back at his computer. After a moment, he presses PRINT, and his printer begins chugging away. He sits back in his chair with a smile on his face for the first time in the entire film, arms behind his head, looking satisfied. CREDITS ROLL.

INT. SCUMHAUS - SOME UNKNOWN TIME

Fingers type furiously on a keyboard. One of the hands reaches over and grabs a white styrofoam cup, taking a sip of the coffee inside of it. QUICK ZOOM OUT from the mouth reveals the face of XRECKONERX sitting in a large black office chair. He wears glasses, has medium-length curly hair, and wears an orange t-shirt with black markings meant to look like a Jack-O-Lantern. He presses the last few buttons and sits back in his chair. He sighs.

XRECKONERX

Thank fuck that's over.

THE END.

[HP Lovecraft]

Roles!

Spoiler: 1-shot Gladiator

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

You are the type of person who feels that they need a rival whenever you have to interact with a group of people at length. You are also the type of person who feels that your friends can't be friends with both you and your rival.

Active Powers:
1. You may target another player during the day. The current votecount will be reset and players can only vote for you or the targeted player. You can only use this ability during the first half of the day. You can only use this ability once.

Passive Powers:
2. You win with the town.

Spoiler: Prostitute

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

You lost all of your money in a pyramid scheme. You'll need to make some of that money back while you're at this retreat. And you know what they say: what happens at a time-traveling writers' workshop stays at a time-traveling writers' workshop.

Active Powers:
1. Prostitution. Every night you may target a player. That player cannot use any activated abilities that night. You will get a small piece of information about that player. If another player uses a targeted ability on your target, that will be told that you were "with" the player you targeted.

Passive Powers:
2. You win with the town

Spoiler: 1-shot Neighborizer

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

You brought two cell phones to the workshop. Being the chatty cathy that you are, you can give one to another player and talk to that player at night.

Active Powers:
1. Once during the game, at night, you may target another player. You will be given a QT where you can talk with this player at night. This player's alignment is not confirmed to be the same as yours. You can only do this once.

Passive Powers:
2. You win with the town.

Spoiler: Nurse

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

You brought a stethoscope and some band-aids with you. If people really need your help and there's no one else here who can do it, you suppose you can spring into action. Maybe.

Passive Powers:
1. If a doctor dies, you will become a doctor.
2. You win with the town.

Spoiler: Inventor

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

You smuggled a few items into the workshop with you. Being a generous soul, you will give them to other players.

Active Powers:
1. Inventor (1x poison 1x bp vest and 1x doublevote). You have one of each: a bottle of iodine, a mannequin, and a megaphone. Each night you may target one player and give them one of these items.

Passive Powers:
2. You win with the town.

Spoiler: Doctor

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

Cross-disciplinary learning is cool! You brought a copy of Grey's Anatomy and Netter's with you, and you're going to be able to use your hard-earned knowledge to save lives!

Active Powers:
1. Doctor. Every night, you can target another player. If that player was targeted with a killing ability, that player will not die.

Passive Powers:
2. You win with the town.

Spoiler: 1-shot Lightning Rod

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

You brought some meth.

Active Powers:
1. You may use this ability at night. When you do, every active ability used that night will be redirected to you. You can only do this once.

Passive Powers:
2. You win with the town.

Spoiler: Seeking Mason

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

During one of your first workshop sessions, one of the other writers wrote on your draft "I find you to be an intriguing soul. Come by my room at night. For some odd reason, from your writings, I feel that I can trust you." You'll have to take your anonymous possible-paramour up on this offer.

Active Powers:
1. Seeking Mason. Every night you can target another player. If the target is your potential mason partner, you will be given a QT where you can communicate with your mason partner. This player is guaranteed to share your alignment.

Passive Powers:
2. You win with the town.

Spoiler: Tracker

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

You are an excellent observer of the human condition. At night. Without their consent....

Active Powers:
1. Tracker. Every night, you can target another player. The mod will tell you who, if anyone, that player targeted that night.

Passive Powers:
2. You win with the town.

Spoiler: Role Cop

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

Active Powers:
1. Every night you can target another player. The mod will tell you what the role of that player is (ex. This player is a Watcher). You will not be told the alignment of that player.

Passive Powers:
2. You win with the town.

Spoiler: Self-watching ascetic

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

Active Powers:
1. Suffrage

Passive Powers:
2. Self-watching ascetic. The first action directed towards you at night is nullified. You are told who targeted you, although not their ability. This ability does not work on killing actions.
3. You win with the town

_____________________________________________________________________

Spoiler: Mafia A Fruit Vendor

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

Mafia A Fruit Vendor

You have teamed up with two other ne'er-do-wells to take over this writing workshop. Also, you brought a handsome fruit basket for your host, but he is nowhere to be found. You have decided to give this fruit to other people.

Active Powers:
1. Every night you can target another player. That player will be given a piece of fruit.
2. You may perform your faction's kill. You may not use both of your active powers in one night.

Passive Powers:
3. You win when either your faction has a majority or nothing can prevent that from happening.
4. You may communicate with your faction at night in a QT.

Spoiler: Mafia A Watcher

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

Mafia A Watcher

You have teamed up with two other ne'er-do-wells to take over this writing workshop. Also, you like to hide in closets. You do it so you can see naked boobies.

Active Powers:
1. Every night you can target another player. The mod will tell you if that player is targeted that night and who targeted that player.
2. You may perform your faction's kill. You may not use both of your active powers in one night.

Passive Powers:
3. You win when either your faction has a majority or nothing can prevent that from happening.
4. At night, you may communicate with your faction in a QT.

Spoiler: Mafia A Strongman

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

Mafia A Strongman

You have teamed up with two other ne'er-do-wells to take over this writing workshop. Also, you brought two doses of bath salts with you. You can use them to perform superhuman acts of murder.

Active Powers:
1. As your faction's kill, you may use your strongman ability. If you target a player, that player will not be saved by protective abilities. You may only use this ability twice.
2. You may perform your faction's kill. You may not use both of your active powers in one night.

Passive Powers:
3. You win when either your faction has a majority or nothing can prevent that from happening.
4. At night, you may communicate with your faction in a QT.

_____________________________________________________________________

Spoiler: Mafia B JoaT

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

Mafia B JoaT

You have teamed up with two other ne'er-do-wells to take over this writing workshop. Also, you brought a hypnosis book to the seminar. You thought it would be an absolute gas if you made people have to talk differently than they would ordinarily! Tee hee!

Active powers:
1. At night you may target a player. You have one shot of each of the following three effects.
a. That player must post only in haikus for the next game day
b. That player must post in rhyming couplets for the next game day.
c. That player must post in your choice of prose, poetry, or screen/stage play format for the next game day.
2. You may perform your faction's kill. You may not use both of your active powers in one night.

Passive Powers:
3. You win when either your faction has a majority or nothing can prevent that from happening.
4. At night, you may communicate with your faction in a QT.

Spoiler: Mafia B Ninja

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

Mafia B Ninja

You have teamed up with two other ne'er-do-wells to take over this writing workshop. Also, you know the ancient martial art of ninjitsu. Or at least you brought a black headscarf and a throwing star. Whatever.

Active powers:
1. As your faction's kill, you may use your ninja ability. If you target a player for a kill, no investigative power will be able to detect the kill. You may only use this ability twice.
2. You may perform your faction's kill. You may not use both of your active powers in one night.

Passive Powers:
3. You win when either your faction has a majority or nothing can prevent that from happening.
4. At night, you may communicate with your faction in a QT.

Spoiler: Mafia B Roleblocker

Salutations,

I am writing to you because I am a great admirer of your work. I would like to extend to you a very special opportunity. I am making arrangements to collect two dozen of time's greatest authors so that you can present your craft to other masters of the written word and get criticism. This should alter the course of your career and make you even stronger than you were before. You need not reply to this missive. An agent will be arriving shortly.

Pack warm,
X

Mafia B Roleblocker

You have teamed up with two other ne'er-do-wells to take over this writing workshop. Also, you brought some extra stength antihistamines with you. You can "poison" people with them. Mwahahaha!

Active powers:
1. At night you can target another player. That player will not be able to use any active abilities that night.
2. You may perform your faction's kill. You may not use both of your active powers in one night.

Passive Powers:
3. You win when either your faction has a majority or nothing can prevent that from happening.
4. At night, you may communicate with your faction in a QT.

[Tierce]

UT, what was Christopher Marlowe's role?

[HP Lovecraft]

heh, I changed it a bit for Shaft to make it funnier. fixed the list so it would be clear.

[kuribo]

god, and we tried SO hard to kill Tierce

[Tierce]

heh, I changed it a bit for Shaft to make it funnier. fixed the list so it would be clear.

Uhm...

24) Setup Design: The roles were fully randomized. There is no correlation between author and role. Do not try to outguess the mod.

I'm not a fan of randomly changing roles in the middle of the game just for mod amusement.

god, and we tried SO hard to kill Tierce

Can't touch this~

[kuribo]

Tierce, I think he meant the part where Shaft's role PM says he has the power of "Suffrage."

IE, he changed the wording, not the role.

[Tierce]

Yes, UT told me. >.> I thought he meant the role itself.

[Untrod Tripod]

loldongs I told Kise I'd give him a daykill if he replaced in

obviously didn't happen

[Kise]

False advertising. Reported to forum mods

[zabriel]

Those QTs are priceless.

[TheTrollie]

this is so good, i dont know why i havent seen it before