The beach at Santraginus V was thriving with party-goers, the rich and famous from a hundred star systems mingling and merry-making, the seductively intoxicating scent of the Santraginean sea wafting through the air to heighten everyone's mood. The pink clouds overhead glowed in the evening sunlight, the same shade of purple as the sand. The lifeguards lining the water's edge were equipped with ladles and employed to refill the guests' cocktail glasses whenever they ran low. Occasionally one or another over-eager party-goer would dive into the sea, take a few deep gulps of the precious water, and sink to the bottom with a blissful smile on his face.
Dotted amongst the celebrities like olives on a pizza were the journalists, eager to overhear quotable phrases. One of their number approached Zaphod Beeblebrox, who was standing with a beautiful woman on either side of him. He had an arm around each of them, and a glass of Santraginean sea-water in his third hand.
"Mr Beeblebrox, sir," the reporter said, "Many people have expressed surprise that you chose to attend this evening's extravaganza. Was it a difficult decision?"
In response, Zaphod gave two of his famously sunny smiles. "Not at all! This is the most happening place in the galaxy tonight - why
wouldn't
I be here?" his first head said. "And Eccentrica and I go way back. I support her all the way," his second head added.
"Even though this book launch is to promote her blockbuster kiss-n-tell book,
That Boy's Lost his Beeble
, in which Ms Gallumbits claims she broke up with you because you've been suffering from erectile dysfunction for the past year?"
Zaphod unhooked his arms from his companions' shoulders, and drew the reporter aside. "Best thing that's ever happened to me," he said, in a conspiratorial murmur. "Do you have any idea how many women have come up to me this past week alone, wanting to 'cure' me so they can claim to be better in bed than Eccentrica Gallumbits? I'm thinking about getting a second Beeble" - he gestured nether-region-ly - "just to keep up with the demand! Speaking of which -" his right head nodded at the two women who were now waiting for him near his spaceship, the
Heart of Gold
, while his left head gave a boyishly innocent smile, and he extricated himself from the encounter.
"Ladies, let me show you inside," Zaphod grinned. He opened the door to his ship and stepped inside. Then, as a sharp hiss rang out behind him, he turned back, to find the door had shut itself right behind him. "Eddie, what on Betelgeuse -"
The
Heart of Gold
shuddered, and shook, and sung, as its Infinite Improbability Drive hummed into action. Rather than a smooth climb into improbability, though, it was a jerky, zigzag helter-skelter ride around the frayed edges of mathematical fields on the border of infinity. When the stairwell turned into a fountain of penguins, Zaphod closed his eyes and waited for the journey to stop.
*
Zaphod opened his eyes to find the ship back to normal, with 16 exceptions. On the ship along with Zaphod were Arthur Dent, Marvin, a Hooloovoo in a glass prism, and 13 other very random strangers. Zaphod was pretty sure that none of them had been on the ship a minute ago. He gawped at them for a moment, then scratched his heads, and turned to the computer consoles.
"Eddie, what's going on?"
"Hey there! That was quite a party back there, huh? While you were on the beach I was Sub-Etha-ing with the AI in Reg Nullify's ship. Lemme tell ya, that's one hot -"
Zaphod yowled in frustration. "Eddie! What happened just now?"
"Oh,
that
. Someone tried to sabotage the Infinite Improbability Drive to explode when you stepped aboard the ship. But they didn't quite get it right, and instead of exploding, it transported us here into deep space, somewhere, somewhen. Lucky for us, hey?"
"Huh. Well, take us back to Santraginus V, then."
"Sorry, guv'," chirped Eddie. "The Infinite Improbability Drive isn't
entirely
broken, but it's not gonna be a quick fix. We're going to be marooned here for the next, ooh, I'd say ten days. Would you like me to sing you a song while we wait?" he asked cheerfully.
"This is a disaster!" Zaphod grumbled.
"You're right," Arthur replied. "I thought I'd seen the last of this ship years ago. Just my luck to be back here, facing deep-space doom again."
"Shut up, monkey man. It's a disaster because all the alcohol's back on the beach! Ten days stuck here with you and Marvin for company, and nothing to drink..." Zaphod shuddered at the thought of it, then shrugged. "At least there's nothing to worry about otherwise, though."
As Zaphod spoke, Eddie whistled, a little too innocently. Zaphod turned back to the console. "Eddie, you worthless chunk of chips, what are you holding back from telling us?"
"Um... well, I ran the probability calculations, and uh... the 2 to the power of 3,045,905,995,593 ride we just took corresponds exactly to the probability of some of the villains who tried to destroy the ship having been randomly transported onto it, along with a bunch of innocent strangers. So... yeah. I don't know if you're going to be able to fix the Drive, unless you can figure out who the baddies are and stop them damaging it again."
Zaphod grabbed Arthur. "It was you, monkey man, wasn't it?" He began to drag Arthur over to the airlock, ready to throw Arthur into deep space despite the Earthling's protests, but his other head interrupted him. "Hey, do we really think monkey man's got the brains to be behind something like this?" Those words drew laughter and agreement from everyone else in the room, and a mix of anger and relief from Arthur.
"What about him?" Arthur pointed at Marvin. "He's smart enough to pull this off."
Marvin lifted his triangular red eyes disdainfully. "If I wanted to kill Zaphod, I would not have made any error in my calculations. In the course of my prior employment with him, I calculated 12,694 different ways I could have killed him. But I couldn't be bothered. What would be the point? Everyone else is as hideously depressing as he is."
"Okay, then," Zaphod said. "It's not you, it's not me or monkey man, and it's not the Hooloovoo - smart though it is, it's too incorporeal to carry out any acts of saboutage. So that means it's one of you." He turned to the 13 other people in the room.
"Or you!" someone said. "Yeah! You're dumb enough to do it, and smart enough to do it, and crazy enough to do it!" said another.
"Right, well, okay then, we'll settle this democratically. Everyone can have one vote - actually, two votes, because I might disagree with my other head. We can decide together who we suspect most, and kill them. Once we've killed the villains, we'll be able to repair the ship and fly somewhere less spleentiously desolate." Zaphod's heads nodded at each other, and at the others. "That's settled. We can start on this in the morning."
He left the cabin for a moment, then his right head peered back around the doorway. "Oh, yeah. One other thing. Monkey man doesn't get any votes. We need people with brains to help us find the villains. Evolved minds. Not someone who still thinks digital watches are a pretty neat idea."
*
And now it's morning. And Zaphod lies dead in his bed. I guess he didn't do it. And I guess it's up to the rest of you to decide who did, since you still refuse to let me vote. Anyhow, The Hooloovoo's volunteered to lie on the wall and display the current vote counts. And Marvin'll help us dispatch whoever you decide to kill. So good luck figuring out who the villains are. I'm off to make a cup of tea.
