The Daily Bugle
The Chicken is Scum!
A tragedy occurred last night as a world-famous author was found dead in his home.
Terry Goodkind was found murdered in his home after the events of a writing workshop earlier that day. Goodkind was generally found to be somewhat eccentric, best known for his literary prowess and fondness for women's boobies.
The members of the workshop, expected to continue for the next two weeks, are being widely regarded with suspicion by townsfolk and police alike.
"I ain't never read nothin' by none of 'em" said local character Tim Roberts. "I dun know what dem writers is doing, but I dun like it."
Goodkind was unavailable for comment on his death. None of the authors could be reached for comment.
Weasling Out!
Certain members of the literary conference have been able to weasel out of the current discussion without comment.
As discussion swirls around the death of Mr. Goodkind, several notable suspects and literary figures have ignored the matter entirely. These authors have received no reprimand for their actions at this time.
Gertrude Stein, renowned crazy lady, managed to avoid current discussion of David Mamet's trail of suspicion, instead preferring to cast aspersions on the mysterious figure known only as "God." When asked about her actions, she replied "The pincushions are growing restless."
Tommy Wiseau, a figure previously unknown to this publication, instead preferred to greet his friend Mark Danielewski with a vote. "Ohhh darrrrling!" he exclaimed to our reporter before floating off.
Other potentially ignorant figures include Rucks, Brian Jacques, Marion Bradley and William Shakespeare himself. It is of note that God's actions are somewhat shady, but no light has come to them just yet.
The conference will commence today with more discussion of suspects, murder, and the proper use of a semicolon. Cummings is not expected to attend discussion of the latter.
Poe Under Suspicion!
A member of the literary conference has been acting in a suspicious manner with regard to his actions early this morning.
Edgar Allen Poe, writer of works such as "The Raven," "Annabel Lee" and "Sleeping with your Cousin is Pretty Cool" has expressed baseless suspicion of several authors since the events of last night.
Poe began by verbally attacking Ms. Jane Austen, citing her blasphemy as "dumbfound[ing]." In response Austen was able to do nothing but sit and fan herself, overwhelmed by this man's accusations.
He continued his irrationality later by expressing distrust of Ms. Stein, owing solely to her mental problems.
Poe is suspected to be a disturbed and deranged individual with a hatred of the disabled and weak. Do not approach in public. The Daily Bugle urges all citizens to VOTE: Edgar Allen Poe with great haste to remove the criminal from the midst of the innocents.
The Daily Bugle would like to remind readers that, with the exception of Special Evening Editions owing to late breaking news, The Bugle publishes once per day.
[/font]