This is the last post I'm making today. I'm calmed myself down enough to do this, but I can't stay in this game while it's like this. Desp might come in if he wants to.
I have issues with anxiety. Like, severe issues. I also have major issues with failure, especially that, for most of my life, I've been pretty to very successful in most things I've done.
It wasn't until college, when the rules changed pretty suddenly about what "success" meant, that I started falling flat on my face.
I can get into more detail about it with you on Skype later (I'm not posting this shit in a mafia game), but starting about 2 years ago, I started having issues with anxiety because of what I perceived to be a series of failures on my part. This got progressive worse through about a year ago, where I started getting panic attacks that were debilitating to the point that I couldn't even do basic school work.
I saw a therapist through last summer, and he helped me deal with a lot of that shit.
This game has caused me a lot of stress. RBD's been obvscum all game. it's not just the claim. It's been their entire approach to the game. From how they've been moving in lockstep with mastin, how they've trolled, how they've aggressively adhommed me and F-16 to hell and back (I've requested Cabd to warn them multiple times via Skype), and how they've dealt with the claim. All of it. It's beyond obvious to me, and it's been like running my cock through a meat grinder trying to get everyone else to see the same thing I'm seeing.
mastin's participation and constant emotional manipulation/borderline abuse towards things she knows make me tick and AP being strangely disconnected from me haven't helped, either.
Seeing the last few pages, seeing that this is going to be another Anything Goes where I'm fucking right but I'm basically losing to a popularity contest and a load of bullshit b/c I up certain aspects of my personality when I argue sent me into a major anxiety attack. I had to leave a social event (where I was reading from my phone) to try to get something down, but as I was posting, I was losing my ability to type. I told Cabd to put me V/LA through the rest of the day, and I've collected myself a bit, but my heart rate is still above what it is when I lift.
Nacho saying I caused this carnival of lunacy when I've been the one trying to cut through it is a load of bullshit.
You using a limited sample of my games to try to figure out what I'm doing here, when I'm an incredibly emotionally and gut driven player is bullshit.
Everything RBD/mastin has posted in thread about the gamestate is bullshit.
F-16 and GiF/Pie feel like my only allies in this game. They're the only ones I've been able to connect with all game. It feels like everyone else is ganging up on me, and even if they're not calling me names outright, they're implicitly siding with muffin calling me mentally retarded by not calling him out on it and calling him town for it.
Everyone in this game is implicit in mastin's immense emotional harassment of me. The shit she's pulled on me in this game, if we were dating IRL, would constitute emotional abuse. it's part of the game, but it's stressful to deal with.
I get that I put on the facade that I'm a badass, but I'm a very protective person. I'm a huge softy, and I feel bad trying to lynch people I'm close to.
Maybe it's fucked with my read on AP.
It's probably why I can't read penguin for shit.
And I'm alone in my room, almost in tears for the first time in about a year because I can't deal with this shit anymore.
I'm out. If you lynch me, you're lynching a more valuable role than a gladiator, especially one that belongs to scum.
