Author Mafia - Game Over!

[Charlie Kaufman]

AUTHOR MAFIA
by
Charlie Kaufman

adapted from the game

AUTHOR MAFIA

played on
Mafiascum.net

---

INT. OFFICE - MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON

Sunlight beams through the window as CHARLIE KAUFMAN sits down at his desk, littered with Funyons and empty cans of soda pop.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN (V.O.)

I am old. I am fat. I am balding. I am a sad sack with nothing going for him. I have had success and now the weight of the world is crashing down on my sad, fat, balding head. I am so fat... my therapist says I'm too hard on myself. She told me the world doesn't see me as fat, but I think she's lying. People lie. She's probably going to all of her therapist friends and calling me names like Fatso and Pudge behind my back. Or, facetiously, Skinny Chuck.

Charlie cracks a fresh new can of soda pop. An audible, vamped up CRACKING NOISE accompanies the noise. Charlie opens his old Lenovo Thinkpad and logs in to Mafiascum.net.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN (V.O.)

I should have never agreed to this. I'm worthless. I can't take something this complex and multifaceted and make it work. This is the end for me. I'm finished. I'm--

INT. WAREHOUSE - UNKNOWN TIME OF DAY

The dim sunlight barely breaks through the rickety old rafters at the top of the building, illuminating the clouds of dust. This warehouse has clearly not been used in years. 23 people stand in the room, most not interacting, most not speaking at all. They're all famous in their own right, and yet, they're all here. All drawn by some cosmic force.

EXT. CAFE - LUNCHTIME

PAULA GARNER

...so it's going well, Charlie?

Charlie cut a glance across the table at PAULA GARNER, a thirty-something woman in a powersuit fiercely tearing away at a salad. Charlie nervously sips his water.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Ahh, well, uh... it's not an easy task to adapt this source material. It's... dense.
(beat)
And, you know, uh, each of these characters is so distinct, I don't wanna lose any of that.

Paula puts her fork down and wipes her mouth.

PAULA GARNER

Well we need a script, Charlie. Soon. Get something on paper.

Sweat pours off of Charlie's forehead.

INT. WAREHOUSE - UNKNOWN TIME OF DAY

The warehouse buzzes as people begin shouting and pointing fingers at each other. Enter CHARLIE KAUFMAN, a fat, balding man in his mid-30's. The whole room turns to stare at him.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I... uhh... hi.

There's a short silence while everyone stares at Charlie. He pulls out a handkerchief and wipes sweat away from his forehead.

LEMONY SNICKET

Quickly, sir! Join me in voting David Mamet!

David Mamet stares down Charlie, who slowly raises a finger and points at Mr. Mamet.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Him?

---

VOTE: David Mamet

[Charlie Kaufman]

INT. OFFICE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Charlie sits at his desk scrolling aimlessly through the Author Mafia game thread on Mafiascum.net. Blue and white streaks by on the screen and reflects a dim bluish glow onto Charlie's face. The occasional sound of CAR WHEELS SPINNING THROUGH WATER PUDDLES can be heard coming from outside the modest Los Angeles townhome.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I can't make heads or tails of this. The Daily Bugle seems to be the villain, but I'm just not reading it that way. What could possibly make him the villain?

Charlie runs his fat fucking fingers through what little curly Jew hair he has left. He stares at the monitor for an eternity and then turns to his typewriter and starts pecking away.

INT. WAREHOUSE - SOME UNKNOWN TIME

INT. DARK OFFICE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Charlie slams his fists down on the table.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

No... no! Augh! That's not who I am... well, er, it's who

I

am, but it's not who I am, in this moment. Is it? Maybe this is the time when I make a stand...

Charlie quickly redacts the last few words and begins typing away again.

INT. WAREHOUSE - UNKNOWN TIME

Charlie Kaufman, in all his macho bravado and wit, marches straight up to the crowd surrounding the Daily Bugle. Everyone is shouting as Kaufman pulls everyone away and stands in front of the The Daily Bugle, eyeing down the crowd.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

You're all supposed to be so goddamn smart! But you're not! You're all just jumping on the first poor guy you can find! Why isn't anyone looking at David Mamet's smug ass?

Charlie walks straight up to DAVID MAMET, a smug, 60-something bearded man, and decks him straight in the jaw.

INT. DARK OFFICE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Charlie stops. He reads over the lines twice in a row before picking up his typewriter and just throwing it across the room. It thuds and skids, sliding across the floor with no damage at all.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN (V.O.)

Great. Can't even break a typewriter properly. Can't write a simple story properly. This is a joke. This is my life. I can't even find a way to say that David Mamet is a villain hiding behind a frenzied mob without ruining it. I can't get outside my own head to get inside my own head. What if I'm finished? What if this is permanent writer's block? I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't take it. I need to get out. Fresh air would be nice. Yeah, fresh air.

Charlie crosses the wooden floors to the coat rack, stubbing his toe along the way on the thrown typewriter.

CHARLIE KAFUMAN

(yelling)

SON OF A MOTHERFUCK!

Charlie hops around on one foot towards his bed, flinging himself onto the bed and collapsing in pain and shame.

[Charlie Kaufman]

INSIDE CHARLIE'S HEAD - UNKNOWN TIME

Nothing but darkness.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN (V.O.)

I'm bored. Am I boring? Are they boring? I'm not sure anymore. Reading this thing is hard enough... it's dense, it's lofty... but trying to write about it? Adaptation is impossible. But no, that's why I took this assignment. I want to do something impossible. But I can't. Probably. No... definitely. I just can't do it. There's nothing here. It's just... boredom. People don't want boredom in their films. People want gun fights and fast cars and naked women. I could make Marion Zimmer Bradley get naked? No... no! I can't, I won't sell out like that!

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

JANE AUSTEN, a regal British woman wearing a bonnet, stands up and points at the elderly fellow with silky white locks and massive glasses. This man is DOCTOR SEUSS.

JANE AUSTEN

Speak! Speak, so that I may call you a lawbreaker!

EDGAR A. POE

Not so quickly, Madame. Thy current thought on Dr. Seuss is artificial.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

What a cunt! She doesn't care about what the Good Doctor has to say, she's willing to twist anything he says to fit her own skewed agenda! Get her out of here!

Kaufman turns around, glancing back at David Mamet.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Don't you worry, David, I'll be sure to keep a special bullet for you.

Charlie winks a proud wink, then turns back and narrows his eyes at Jane Austen.

---

VOTE: Jane Austen

[Charlie Kaufman]

EXT. CAFE - LUNCHTIME

The sun is shining. Charlie Kaufman huddles over half a sandwich and a bowl of broccoli and cheddar soup, scarfing it down like it is the last meal he'll ever have. Across from him sits GWEN WOODARD, a tall woman with blonde hair in her early 30's. She carries a sort of sisterly charm about her.

GWEN WOODARD

Jesus, Charlie, you act like you haven't eaten in days!

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I really haven't. I've had... uhh... pretzels. And some pop. Yeah.

GWEN WOODARD

And that's it?

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Yeah, that's all. Oh wait, no, I had some trail mix too.

There's a lull in the conversation and Charlie uses it to shovel more soup into his mouth. Some drips down his face. He doesn't notice.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

It's just... eh... this script I'm writing. It's tough. I can't seem to crack the source material. I can't--

Charlie is interrupted by Gwen reaching across the table, dabbing away some of the leftover soup from his chin.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

--thank you-- I'm a mess, Gwen. I don't know I can do this. Every time I sit down to read this damn thing I just, I can't do it. There are so many little subtleties that I don't get, and by the time I'm done with one page, I end up forgetting what I've read. It's really dense, Gwen.

Gwen smiles up at him.

GWEN WOODARD

Well...why don't you try writing it one page a time, then?

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I can't do that. It's too--

GWEN WOODARD

Just try, Charlie. You don't even have to write it down, you can just... take notes. In your own voice. Help you remember when you write.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Maybe. I don't know, Gwen.

CUT TO:

INT. CHARLIE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Charlie sits on his couch with a few scattered lamps lit up around his living room. In front of him, his out of date IBM Thinkpad laptop sits, tuned to the Author Mafia thread. He has a pitcher of water on the coffee table, and a pen and legal pad in his hand.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Okay, Gwen, let's hope you're right about this.

Charlie starts to read, from page one, scribbling down words and thoughts as they pop into his head:

page 1

- jane austen votes god for bullshit reasoning, poe does the same. must be a joke. joke. jane austen as a joker? seems unrealistic.
- not them, everyone. wallace, snicket, seuss all talk nonsense. first page is unusuable in the screenplay. garbage. utter garbage.
- bugle is eager to move things along. i think this casts him in a good light, yes
- mamet still a villain, still overblown and bombastic and exaggeratory

page 2

- joyce is unintelligible. can't get him. he's psychotic. good thing or bad thing? good characters.
- Daily Bugle still good, must be good, don't know how others see him as bad. prod further
- cannot seemes too remember and think i don't need to contineehuelsssss

The pen and notebook fall to the floor. Charlie collapses onto the side of the couch, exhausted and dead asleep. The source material had put him to sleep, and he knew he was running out of time to show the studios some kind of progress... but for now... sweet dreams abound...

INT. COSMIC SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM - CHARLIE'S HEAD - THERE IS NO TIME, FOOLS

Charlie Kaufman has grown a third arm and a second head and he charges down a corridor and stars and planets and black holes and alien giraffes all whir past him. Two of his hands flail about wildly, as if on a roller coaster, while the third hand fires a SILVER BLASTER PISTOL wildly into the air. The seemingly endless lightspeed warp tunnel comes to an abrupt end as he stands face to face with a hulking, ugly, green abomination with six tits and seven pussies, and all thirteen sexual organs are lactating. The monster, he knows, is named EL James.

EL JAMES

WAAAAAAROBBBLLGGLEE!!!!

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

What unintelligible drivel!

Charlie fires a shot from his silver lazer blaster gun and she blows up and she spews little bits of green gunk all over the place and Charlie laughs wildly as the space tunnel speeds him off to a new location. He whips around planets and shinies until he arrives at the END OF THE UNIVERSE. It is nothingness, completely black.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Hello!?

His yells return nothingness. He is lost, alone, unsure. He screams out into the blackness again.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Can

anyone

fucking tell me what's happening here!?

There is nothing but silence yelling back, but Charlie waits and hopes for some voice of divine reasoning to point him in the right direction.

[Charlie Kaufman]

INT. WAREHOUSE - SOME TIME

Charlie Kaufman clears his throat loudly and addresses the room.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I'm afraid I don't understand you all, you lot, you faux-intellectuals. I can't get past what's bullshit and what's not, I can't get past who is and isn't real, and so here's my offer: if any of you can reach a consensus as to who should be ousted this day, I will lend myself to your cause. I will gladly strike down the one, because as an undecided voter, I have no qualms sacrificing my morals and dignity for the sake of getting this thing...this...game...progressing.

Charlie eyeballs everyone in the room.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I see there is a lot of hate towards Mister Ellis. Can someone explain it to me in a succinct, intelligible way without being so fucking overdramatic? We need some cooperation here or I fear we may all be had.

[Charlie Kaufman]

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Yes... I see, now. Hmm...

INT. CHARLIE'S OFFICE - 3AM

Charlie sits back from his computer, staring at the script on his page.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Ellis... isn't really a character. I don't think I can write a full-bodied character with motivations and true dimensions with this...this...

nothingness

. I guess killing him off early is the best route to take.

---

VOTE: Bret Easton Ellis

[Charlie Kaufman]

INT. EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY

Charlie Kaufman sits on a luxurious couch, nervously bouncing his knee up and down. Across from him sits Paula Garner behind a mahogany desk, thumbing through what little of the script there is.

PAULA GARNER

This is... not much, Charlie.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

It has been more difficult than I imagined.

PAULA GARNER

We've given you over two months now and you've barely completed ten pages of the script. I was hoping for something more finalized by now.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Well I'd hit a writer's block, but I'm hoping now I can break past it with the addition of some new characters and removal of some others.

PAULA GARNER

...new characters? Now?

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I know it seems absurd but it'll help. Trust me.

PAULA GARNER

We are trusting you, Charlie, but you've got to give us something to work with.

Charlie reaches into his bag and pulls out a few new pages of script.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Here, just take a look at my notes on the new characters. I think it'll set your mind at ease.

---

Fred Phelps

- Insane and obsessed with antiquated rituals
- Bombastic linguistics
- Beneath the surface lies someone with an excellent analytical mind
- His opposition to Dr. Seuss is one plot thread I'd very much like to explore further

• Seuss hammered someone who was a good guy and openly admitted he knew he was hammering a good guy
  
• Seuss' attempts to explain his motivations are...indescernable at best. He uses a desire for forward momentum as a reason for his terrible actions
  
• He then shifts attention to Mr. Snicket and Ms. Bradley without giving any reason

- I like the content provided by Fred Phelps and I think his complex personality can help the story, just like his introduction to the story has helped force Seuss to crack under pressure

Confucius

- Introducing such a well-known character is difficult, one must be delicate
- He, like Phelps, is antagonist in nature to Dr. Seuss and could prove useful
- There's room there to grow but so far he has not done enough to warrant a full spotlight

Spinning Paper

- Possibly a villain in this story
- Votes Shakespeare without any explanation in his introductory piece
- Continues to say both Austen & Shakespeare are implicitly bad guys, doesn't explain why
- Swaps vote from Sir William Shakespeare to Jane Austen without reason;
- Author's note: if both Shakespeare and Austen are equally implied to be bad guys (as his post 287 suggests) then why the need to switch from one to the other?

---

Paula sits back and sets the notes down on her desk. For a moment, not a word is spoken. Charlie clears his throat and breaks the silence.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

So... eh... uh... thoughts?

PAULA GARNER

I think... I think it's a good start, Charlie. It shows promise. But there's still no clear villain, here, and audiences don't want ambiguity.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Audiences... they don't like ambiguity? I disagree, I think--

PAULA GARNER

Look, Charlie. These are good notes. Turn this into something great and give me a damned draft with at least one clear villain spelled out. I can buy you some time. You've got till the 17th.

---

VOTE: Spinning Paper

[Charlie Kaufman]

Charlie Kaufman stared down the spinning paper.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I suppose by invoking that famously inaccurate headline, you're implying that my reasoning is inaccurate. If that's the case, why don't you elaborate on what you meant?

[Charlie Kaufman]

Shakespeare:

- Flies under the radar
- Not much content behind his pretty words

[Charlie Kaufman]

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

How about you ask Thomas Pynchon about Seuss? He's the one hell bent on killing the guy, I was just responding to a fucking request, here.

[Charlie Kaufman]

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I have nothing else to say, Ms. Bradley, because my points against the Spinning Paper still stand and I see no reason to move my vote. He has not pleased me with his responses.

[Charlie Kaufman]

Confucius:

- Basically Spinning Paper, only with actual content to go beneath his glossy stylistic tones

Shaft:

- Fuck this game.

[Charlie Kaufman]

EXT. CAFE - DAY

Paula Garner sits, nodding her head slowly.

PAULA GARNER

So... Jane Austen will be the villain?

Charlie shrugs sideways.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

One of many, but yes.

PAULA GARNER

What does this mean for everyone else?

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Well...about all I know for sure is that Edgar Allen Poe is a good guy, now. The way Jane tried to get Poe to speak simply so that she could call him a villain with complete disregard for the facts... no way Jane would be silly enough to do that to one of her own at the start of the day!

PAULA GARNER

Interesting. Good work, Charlie. Keep it up.

INT. WAREHOUSE - DAY

Jane Austen's corpse lay in the midst of the remaining group.

EDGAR ALLEN POE

Aha! With Austen dead, look at Mister Joyce! Everything he said just fawned over Miss Austen! Thus, he should clearly die, too!

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Listen, Ed. Do you SINCERELY believe someone would be that obvious about it? I mean, I mean, come on, don't be lazy, look at motivations... Austen was on the edge of death for what seems like an eternity now, do you really think... I mean

REALLY THINK

... that her scumbuddy would be dense enough to make such an obvious connection between the two like that? If so, why? What's the motivation behind it?

Poe strokes his chin.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Spinning Paper is still about as goddamn bad as they come! I mean, do we need to review the daily editions? Why don't we!

Charlie reaches down and pulls out a stack of newspapers, flipping through them one by one.

The Room flops - 5 dead.

Vote: Shakespeare

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Look at this! His grand entry into the game, and all he can do is make a joke about the night kill and lay down a reasonless vote on Shakespeare!

Uproar in academia as Jane Austen and Shakespeare are implicated in the Jimmy Savile scandal.

Unvote, vote: Jane Austen

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

And here, he calls Austen & Shakespeare scum, but switches his vote over to Austen with no reason to vote her over Shakespeare.

Charlie goes to grab the next paper, but looks back at the last one.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Hmm... yes, why did the paper change votes there? Perhaps, this is the key... an attempt to contribute to the death of a comrade in order to look better? Thoughts, colleagues?

[Charlie Kaufman]

This game has become quite a burden. I don't want to replace out, but we seriously need to move faster or something, in my opinion. This game has been running for

three months

and we're not even done with Day 2 yet.

[Charlie Kaufman]

vote shakespeare

[Charlie Kaufman]

INT. EXECUTIVE'S OFFICE - DAY

Charlie and Paula sit across from each other at a lavish mahogany conference table. Paula thumbs through the newest pages of his script.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I see no reason to stop the momentum. If the action breathes freely, it will be a more enjoyable experience for everybody!

PAULA GARNER

Jane Austen and William Shakespeare... both evil? I dunno, Charlie, you're kind of pushing the line, here.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Evil is relative in this story, Paula... just give me a chance! Here, look, these are my newest pages.

---

VOTE: James Joyce

[Charlie Kaufman]

Author's Note: Danielewski is pretty much confirmed town.
So is God.

---

VOTE: Gertrude Stein

[Charlie Kaufman]

I don't feel like posting IC right now, so here goes:

I think all the claims are stupid at this point, especially with all the dead scum.
Pynchon's 601 is just terrible.
I do believe Wilde needs to claim and the Doctor needs to confirm.

I am not sure how swingy our loving mod would make this, but the amount of power roles makes me uncomfortable.

[Charlie Kaufman]

No.

I believe the Fruit Vendor claim, too, so I won't be lynching Hogan.

[Charlie Kaufman]

VOTE: Oscar Wilde

I have reason to disbelieve the doctor claim, this is why I wanted him to claim.

[Charlie Kaufman]

EBWOP: I should say, I have reason to disbelieve that there is a doctor in the setup, and it makes sense that OscarWilde-scum could claim rolecop and take a stab in the dark that there's a doctor in the setup given the lack of a kill last night. I have reason to believe a doctor wasn't the reason for the lack of a kill last night.

[Charlie Kaufman]

INT. DARKENED APARTMENT - DAY

There's a KNOCK on the door of the apartment. A muffled voice shouts from the other side.

PAULA GARNER

Charlie? Charlie? Are you in there? Answer your phone!

Silence. Paula swings the door open and GOLDEN RAYS OF SUNLIGHT stream through the door, illuminating the clouds of dust in the apartment. Paula fumbles around for a moment before finding a light switch.

PAULA GARNER

Oh my god...

The room is filled with various empty Chinese takeout boxes and stacked with paper in little piles. Paula stumbles through the room, mouth agape. She makes her way over to a whiteboard, where Charlie has written things about each person in the game. Lines are drawn connecting different people to each other. She can barely make out some of the scribbles:

THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY IS

POISONOUUUSSSSSSSS

? OR A BENEVOLENT DEITY ?

MARK. DANIEL. LEWIS. SKI. GOOD MAN. STRONG MAN. FINDS THE BAD GUY. LEADER. WILL LIKELY TAKE A BULLET, BE THE TRAGIC FIGURE.

OSCAR WILDE

killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill
killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill
killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill
killkillkillkillkillkillkill

LIAR

killkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkillkill
killkillkillkillkillkillkill
killkillkillkillkillkillkillkill

HULK HOGAN. LOUD. LOOOOUUUUUD! MAKE LOUDER!

Paula steps past it all in shock and awe, unsure of what she is witnessing. She stops for a moment when she notices the bedroom door cracked. Paula uneasily walks towards the door.

PAULA GARNER

...Charlie? Are you in there?

As she walks in the door, she finds Charlie sitting on the edge of his bed. She flips on the light. His head snaps her direction, and we see an EXTREME CLOSE UP of his pupils dilated nearly to the size of his entire iris.

PAULA GARNER

Jesus! Fuck! Charlie, what the fuck?

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

I'm close. Very close. So close. Story must be perfect, must work, I needed to be perfect. My mind. I opened it. I can write. This story. You read it, right? I can write it good. So good.

PAULA GARNER

Christ. What did you do?

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

LSD.

PAULA GARNER

(exasperated)
I better get someone over here to watch you.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

You stay. We can finish this story together.

PAULA GARNER

Are you fucking kidding me, Charlie? I have things to do, what the Christ are you doing dropping acid in the middle of the day? Better snap out of it, Charlie, you've got a deadline. I swear to god, if this fucks over the development window because you're tripping on acid and can't finish the script, your career is over.

She turns and leaves the room, flipping through her cell phone to find someone to come watch Charlie while he comes down from his acid trip.

---

Slight V/LA until January 5th.

[Charlie Kaufman]

INT. WAREHOUSE - UNKNOWN TIME

MARION

Everyone vote for Stein!

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

But...we have Oscar Wilde's incredibly unlikely claim to deal with! He's obviously lying or making some parts of it--

SPINNING PAPER

Hey, Snicket, you should claim.

EL JAMES

Hulk Hogan is a poop head.

HULK HOGAN

No, you.

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

Uh...guys...these claims...

OSCAR WILDE

Hey, I'm rolefishing! Look at me go!

CHARLIE KAUFMAN

You know what...fuck it. She's lurking in the shadows anyway, you can have my vote, nobody is listening to a goddamn word I say anyway. We can figure this shit out later.

---

VOTE: Gertrude Stein

[Charlie Kaufman]

Although my words might be misconstrued through lack of clarity or sense, I must inform everyone present that I am nothing of any great power or concern, I am but a lowly townsperson, unable to do anything save for voting.

You may remove your votes now.

Grammar.

Vote: Oscar the Wilde man

kill this

Lemony Snicket arrested and charged with attempted murder.

cop tracker what the fuck are you claiming

[Charlie Kaufman]

Hey Mark, wanna do this?

VOTE: Oscar Wilde

[Charlie Kaufman]

Hello.

VOTE: Hulk Hogan or something.

I still don't like Wilde but he doesn't seem to be the play today.

Also, I will likely claim tomorrow.

I fully believe what we are looking at is a 4:4:16 setup, and it seems that we are looking at two scumteams, yet what happened to all the nightkills?

N1: 2 kills
N2: 1 kill
N3: no kills
N4: 1 kill
N5: 2 kills

I also know UT-mod usually goes with the "one action per night" rule, so let's assume so.

[Charlie Kaufman]

Wait a tic.

UNVOTE: Hulk Hogan

I need to run something by the mod.

[Charlie Kaufman]

Okay, what the hell? I need to outright claim because there is some FUNKY SHIT going on around here. Yes, I know, I'm not in character, bite me.

I'm an

inventor

. I had three items to give out:
N1: I gave God a bottle of iodine, which gives him a 1-shot poison.
N2: Nothing.
N3: I gave ??? a bulletproof vest, which I got

mod confirmation

would stop a kill on the same night that it was given out. Not claiming who it was quite yet. If the vest has been used up, then my target can claim it.
N4: I gave Danielewski a megaphone which acts as a doublevote.

Now, here is my issue: Danielewski only shows up as ONE VOTE in the votecounts for both D5 and D6. Meaning either we had a mod error, or the item doesn't work like I thought and he has to activate it. Similarly, I see no "poison" flavor, and my understanding of poison is that the person poisoned dies at the end of the following day, and we have not yet had an extra death upon lynch. This makes me quite nervous.

@God:

Have you used your poison yet? Did you receive the poison?

@Danielewski:

Explain how the doublevote works. Also, did you receive the doublevote?

[Charlie Kaufman]

I got mod clarification that the poisoned person will die at the end of the following night, not day. Meaning God's poison target will die at the end of N6. I don't know if there will be flavor for it, and honestly, I'd much prefer if God claimed his target now. Nothing can stop them from dying if they are already poisoned, and if they are a power role that needs to claim results or something, I'd like to hear from them before they are offed on the chance that God was wrong.

[Charlie Kaufman]

God claiming who he poisoned also gives us the chance to lock him into a claim early on the off chance God is scum, then he can't claim a NK target as one of his own.

And yeah, power role claiming, etc.

[Charlie Kaufman]

Onward and upwards, gentlemen. The whore will die, and so will the Hulkster.

Spoiler alert: I know who Hulk's player actually is.

VOTE: Hulk Hogan

Cry your sweet, sweet, sweet tears of rage for me, Hulkster.

[Charlie Kaufman]

Spinning Paper has claimed a guilty on you,

brother

. Might as well just roll over.

[Charlie Kaufman]

Spinning paper is wrong for once. Either Paper is scum, which I doubt, or shenanigans are in play.


And if I didn't know better I'd think EL was lyncher to rucks

Classic scum reaction to a power role counterclaiming or having a guilty: declare

shenanigans

instead of trying to fight it in a 1v1, because it's obvious that once your opponent flips town, you'll be next to die. And you can't afford that, because you're the last scum, eh?

Hammer away.

[Charlie Kaufman]

I do believe this is simple now, God's poison worked on EL James, and God was killed. There is likely only one scum left.

I believe there is town in Edgar Allen Poe and Danielewski. I think Pynchon is town. Rucks... I believe I know who he is, and the fact that he hasn't posted seems very odd to me. I need to refresh myself on the Wilde claims.

Need to look harder at: Shaft, Spinning Paper, TS Eliot. I believe the last scum is likely in that grouping. Paper should claim fully now.

[Charlie Kaufman]

Shaft may be scum, Mark, don't be hasty.

I think my actions already confirm me as town.

I know that Rucks is probably hitogoroshi...he is obsessive about Bastion, he seems like a natural fit. His inactivity is hard to read.

Pynchon: confirm you are VT. I doubt there is a Mafia Goon since all three scum on the other team flipped power roles. If he confirms he is VT, I'm going to buy his VT-ness.

VOTE: Rucks

Go for it. There's a simple process of elimination.

I also take issue with "DGB doesn't bus", I don't think that's actually true. My lynchable list at the moment is:

Rucks
Shaft
Eliot

[Charlie Kaufman]

VOTE: TS Eliot

[Charlie Kaufman]

OOC: Hold up, folks. I did indeed kill God, but not as Scum. Oh, no.

I'm a 2-Shot Vig.

Idiots.

I'm looking hard at Kaufman, but

Vote: Poe

As I stated, I have confirmed actions on N1, N3, and N4. I'm fairly certain this means I couldn't perform any other action, based on the fact others have confirmed N4 actions and are therefore cleared.

If you did shoot God, then I apologize for my French, but you're a fucking moron.

If the kill last night was you, as a vig, then I have no clue how the kill was stopped. Perhaps the person I gave a bulletproof vest was shot.

@MOD: Hypothetically, if a player had a one-shot bulletproof, would they be notified if said bulletproof was used up?

[Charlie Kaufman]

(Oh look my guess for Pynchon's identity was correct.)

What do you want, a fucking Oscar?

[Charlie Kaufman]

Shaft - ???
Thomas Pynchon - VT
Edgar Allan Poe - Mason
Spinning Paper - Tracker
Charlie Kaufmann - Inventor
Oscar Wilde - Rolecop
TS Eliot - 2 Shot Vig
Mark Z. Danielewski - ?????
Rucks - Mason

I would like for Danielewski & Shaft to claim, if they haven't already.

[Charlie Kaufman]

And yes, I hammered, so time is of the essence.

[Charlie Kaufman]

I'm the one that gave you the mannequin + doublevote. If you found it all slashed up, that means you were the kill target N3. I made sure with the mod that you would receive the BP vest BEFORE KILLS, so it was essentially treated as a doc protection for the night.

TO be fair, none of this CONFIRMS Danielewski as town, since we are in multiball. But it makes it less likely, I think.

[Charlie Kaufman]

If you mean how am I confirmed, it's because we've been operating under the assumption that scum cannot kill and action in the same night. It's how we caught Hogan, no?